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This is getting a little scary now. What am I setting myself up for? Where did my courage come from? For the first time in ages, I am taking a big risk. I used to be afraid to spend more than 10-30 minutes at a party, due to over-stimulation. I am sitting at home all the time, only leaving here once or sometimes twice a week, for church or groceries. I am living my elderly life early, with a typical 8:00 bedtime even! I haven't even reached my 50th birthday! Fast forward to June 13.
I love adventure, as long as it's safe with electronics, like a computer or a virtual reality visor. I've been afraid of approaching people for years now, for fear of rejection or just not knowing what to say. Suddenly, I'll be saying it all in a foreign language, amid complete strangers (except for Andriyana and Iryna).
Look, I'm not even good at this. I'm a visual learner and my auditory processing lags far behind. I come from a literary family where language skills are plentiful. I feel the joy of learning, but I know how I can be slow. I am not a confident Ukrainian speaker either. I'm sensitive and when I'm frustrated with speaking, I feel like crying sometimes. Sometimes, I am so terrified, I cannot speak at all. If I do well, it will not be from innate ability as much as hard work.I do read and write fairly well in Ukrainian and I do genuinely love the language. I believe it is beautiful and fun to learn.
What kind of world awaits me, amid strangers in a strange world, speaking in such a new way? I have culture shock just going from the south to the west coast! In my twenties, Scotland was a serious culture-shock also.
Everything I'm about to do, I am weak in. And yet, I will come to them as vulnerable, just as I am.
More importantly, there is the trust. Imagine you are a sheep and you are following the shepherd. You do not know where he is taking you, but you trust that it is to fresh grass to eat and that the shepherd will keep you safe from wolves and other predators.
"Where are we going without even knowing the way?" (John 14:5)
Oh and there will be exercise and walking in my program there. There is a long mountain hike up Hoverla that I do not want to miss on this trip, and my plantar fasciitis is acting up again this week. I am old too soon. I want to raft again, and that is part of the program. I want to walk and enjoy being outside in nature. Amid the intensity that will likely lead to stress, there will be moments of peace and solitude. My mind is spinning with trivial things. Will there even be Diet Coke, that I drink every day for comfort here at times? What is compote and will I even like it? Can you buy ice packs there, for your aching feet? Will the young people there see me as a boring middle-aged person, and exclude me from their fun? How will I do with the jet lag? Is there plenty of coffee?
Nothing I am about to do is easy or natural for me.
So, why am I doing it? Would you believe that part of me really does not know?
Everything I do right now is in my comfort zone. I need the peace and calm right now.
But, to choose that, I must be willing to leave that comfort zone completely.
God is calling me to do this. I say I want to learn Ukrainian more to be more helpful in my church, but almost no one in my local church speaks Ukrainian. There is something I may need to do though, and I don't know why or what it is. God willing, I will follow through to become a Solitary Religious- maybe not this year and maybe not for five years or even ten, but the idea of following my own will causes me so much grief that I cannot stand to push for my timing and my desires anymore. Although I want to make my vows yesterday, it may not even work out after all- Who knows? Oh, well. Making vows and becoming consecrated to God is not going to solve all of my problems, and it could create more. The "God-sized hole" in our hearts isn't filled by ceremonies, whether they be weddings or initiations.
It isn't filled by Diet Coke or being coddled either.
I feel very full and I have not felt I am searching for God for a very long time now. I have what I'm looking for, and in abundance. Yet, I am a sinner and because I am a sinner, there are holes I still try to fill through acts of pressuring my own will and desires. I want what I want and I want it now. That never ends well.
The Shepherd must lead.
Lord, I am here and at your service and while others do not feel called to learn Ukrainian to be Ukrainian Catholic, I do. For some reason, my identity is not just Eastern Catholic, but authentically Ukrainian- not by genes, not by birth, but by something I don't know. This is a leap of faith for me- all of it is.
I'm excited, but I expect times of stress and overwhelm and feelings of inadequacy. I expect the adjustment to not be so smooth, for the reasons I have mentioned. Yet, I trust in the power of God's grace.
So, Lord, give me the graces to do this, for you, for whatever purpose. I am your sheep. I hear your voice. I don't know where you are taking me or why, but I know it is to a place called Ukraine.
